Last night when I sat down to write in my daily thoughts journal (which I have incorporated into my Happy Planner) I began to think about what 2018 means to me as a mother.
This year is a big one for me, my oldest child will be graduating from high school in May. I really don’t know how to feel about that. I thought that I would be excited and ready to shout “One down, three to go!” but instead it has made me rather sad. I really don’t know how to feel about having an adult child. Even though I really don’t consider an eighteen year old an adult, he is now becoming a man and I don’t really know what to expect having a man-child…see that doesn’t even sound right to me. I don’t feel right saying it or even typing it.
But regardless of how prepared I am, he has turned eighteen, will be graduating high school soon and as proud as I am of him I just don’t feel excited. All these years I just knew that when we arrived at this point I would be crying tears of joy, ready to ship my man-child off to college but that’s not what’s happening. Instead I am feeling the need to cry, but not in a good way.
Then there’s the fact that my life is not where I planned for it to be. I have so many emotions when it comes to what I planned for my life and what has actually taken place. Aside from the disappointment in myself for not meeting personal goals that I set, I also feel as if I am a huge disappointment to my children because the life I desired for them to have, I haven’t been able to give to them. Now I have one ready to go off to college so my chances of show and prove to him are now only broken promises.
I do have younger children at home, yet there is always this sinking feeling that I now have a child who is entering adulthood that I didn’t have the opportunity to give the world to. But for many years of his childhood I was barely keeping my head above water. I was learning as I lived and each day was a new lesson. But the time went by so swiftly that now I feel as if it is too late to do all of those things that I promised myself I’d do for him. These weren’t even promises that I made to him, these were promises that I made within myself, and sadly about half of them have gone unfulfilled.
I think I am going to take some time to reflect on my oldest child…
I think maybe that will help me to process the fact that he has grown up and is no longer my baby boy but is now my man-child…