Category Archives: A Moment of Transparency

Personal Reflection: Man-child

Last night when I sat down to write in my daily thoughts journal (which I have incorporated into my Happy Planner) I began to think about what 2018 means to me as a mother.

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This year is a big one for me, my oldest child will be graduating from high school in May. I really don’t know how to feel about that. I thought that I would be excited and ready to shout “One down, three to go!” but instead it has made me rather sad. I really don’t know how to feel about having an adult child. Even though I really don’t consider an eighteen year old an adult, he is now becoming a man and I don’t really know what to expect having a man-child…see that doesn’t even sound right to me. I don’t feel right saying it or even typing it.

But regardless of how prepared I am, he has turned eighteen, will be graduating high school soon and as proud as I am of him I just don’t feel excited. All these years I just knew that when we arrived at this point I would be crying tears of joy, ready to ship my man-child off to college but that’s not what’s happening. Instead I am feeling the need to cry, but not in a good way.

Then there’s the fact that my life is not where I planned for it to be. I have so many emotions when it comes to what I planned for my life and what has actually taken place. Aside from the disappointment in myself for not meeting personal goals that I set, I also feel as if I am a huge disappointment to my children because the life I desired for them to have, I haven’t been able to give to them. Now I have one ready to go off to college so my chances of show and prove to him are now only broken promises.

I do have younger children at home, yet there is always this sinking feeling that I now have a child who is entering adulthood that I didn’t have the opportunity to give the world to. But for many years of his childhood I was barely keeping my head above water. I was learning as I lived and each day was a new lesson. But the time went by so swiftly that now I feel as if it is too late to do all of those things that I promised myself I’d do for him. These weren’t even promises that I made to him, these were promises that I made within myself, and sadly about half of them have gone unfulfilled.

I think I am going to take some time to reflect on my oldest child…

I think maybe that will help me to process the fact that he has grown up and is no longer my baby boy but is now my man-child

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Superwoman, the myth

Superwoman…The Myth

superwoman
Artwork by Marcus Williams https://marcusthevisual.deviantart.com/

Me: I’m not your Superwoman….

Husband & Kids : Laughter, sure you’re not…snickers and gives each other a wink

According to my family, even though they never say it, I’m Superwoman. I can do all things, even those that seem impossible. I can operate a household even when I’m sick, I can fix broken toys and small appliances, I can drive from one side of town to the other at lighting speed while still doing the speed limit AND I can locate any missing item. And to top it all off  I can do the majority of those things without even consuming a morsel of food because Superwoman doesn’t have to eat to get shit done!

I don’t blame the children for their belief in this myth…but my husband on the other hand is an adult and knows better. Or does he? I have taken the time to examine why they expect so much of me and I have come to the conclusion that 85% of the blame can be placed on me. If a woman can birth a baby and two days later be up fixing breakfast by 9 a.m. then shortly after folding clothes and rocking a baby carrier with her foot at the same time, maybe I too would think that she is SuperWoman. If a woman can do a days worth of chores, then head to Walmart, Home Depot and to visit family with three children in tow, then come home to fix dinner and start the nightly routine without consuming even one glass of wine or other hard drug I too would probably feel that she has super powers and can do ALL things imaginable.

The thing is I don’t have a cape or magic powers. 90% of the time I am either tired or heading into idgaf mode. I mean seriously, shit gets done but by the end of it my nerves are shot and I have wine on chill and a curse word ready to slip from my lips.

I am not a Superwoman!

With the conclusion that I have brought so much of this on myself, my question now is how do I undo this. How do I take the cape off at least sometime to just be Mona? How do I still get shit done without feeling like Mrs. Celie by the end of the week? How do I balance being the myth of Superwoman without actually having to be her?