I have wasted many an hour of my life in a state of regret. So many times I have beat myself up over how things should have turned out. Many tears I have shed over my woulda, shoulda, couldas. Minutes of my life that I can never get back have been lost in a state of regret. Those wasted minutes have added up to hours which have turned into days of my life that have been wasted on what ifs…
What if I hadn’t made so many mistakes in my 20’s? What if I had cared more about my credit when I was younger? What if I had known my worth before I gave so much of myself away to people who weren’t even worth my time? What if I hadn’t been so reckless in certain situations…where would I be?
What if I were allowed one do over?
That question stumps me. My mistakes, as painful and costly as they may have been have also been my tools for maturity and growth. The tears, they strengthened me. The heartache, it toughened me…then softened me just enough to Love when the time was right. And even though some of my mistakes had to be repeated before I got the message, where would I be if I hadn’t made that mistake, sometimes twice?
After contemplating the thought of one do over, I realized that there is one thing about my life that I wish I could do over and it has nothing to do with anyone else but me. It doesn’t include any of the people who hurt me nor the ones that lied on me, discredited me, abused me or misused me. My do over would involve my heart, my mind and my own inner voice.
My do over would be that I would Love myself sooooo much that no one else’s anger or ill intent or attempts to misuse me would break me. I know that may seem hard to digest, but truthfully I have spent much of my adult life not loving myself enough. I can honestly admit that there were times that I Loved other people more than I Loved myself. I poured more into their lives than I did my own. I valued their feelings, their Love, their appreciation of me more than I valued those same things from myself.
I would do over my Love and appreciation of myself. I would Love me from DAY ONE. I would Love me so much that when I looked in the mirror I could say to myself…let that person go, they don’t Love you. I would Love myself enough from DAY ONE that I could console myself with my Love instead of looking for Love in the wrong places and then when finding that wrong kinda Love accepting it because it was the only Love I had. Day ONE of my womanhood would have been a meditation of I Love myself. DAY TWO of my womanhood would have been you are worth more than gold, your body is a temple…DAY THREE, DAY FOUR…DAY INFINITY would be I Love myself soooo much and I am worthy of being appreciated, adored and unconditionally Loved. I would live that, breathe that and truly believe that. Not Loving myself unconditionally from Day One would be my do over.