Naive Men, the Melanie Syndrome & Other Relationship Woes

Last night as I was watching the oh so popular show “The Game” on BET, I found myself about to stand up and applaud Melanie as she went behind her husband Derwin’s back, swabbed his son’s mouth to obtain the child’s saliva to get a much-needed DNA test. I almost stood up and cheered “Go Melanie, you go girl, you do that ish!” …almost

Until I came to my senses and realized that what Melanie was doing was wrong on so many levels that there just wasnt any right to be found within it. It was selfish, nonsensical and self-centered and I don’t blame Derwin for being highly upset about what his wife did. Melanie has a lot of maturing to do and right now she has the syndrome that many women, myself included have had at some point in time along their journey to grown womanhood.

It includes a little bit of “We need to know, so I’m going to find out” and a whole lot of “Oh no she didn’t, watch me one up her.”  The effects of this way of thinking can get truly out of hand resulting in outrageous actions that generally end with drama, and lots of it. If anything is gained from these chain of events, hopefully the woman learns a few life lessons that every woman must learn before she can understand womanhood. Those lessons are: 

  1. Every battle is not yours to fight. Some may feel like yours and you may feel the need to “do something” but it’s not a battle that you can win because it is not your battle to fight.
  2.  You cannot change people or make them do what you want them to do, but you can make decisions for your own life that demonstrate how you deal with their desire not to make those needed changes.
  3. Learn what makes you happy and accept nothing less than that. When you accept less than that your happiness begins to unravel.
  4. When you look, you find, and most likely you will find way more than you bargain for. So if you plan to snoop and investigate be prepared to find whatever negativity it is that you seek.

It takes many women years to overcome this syndrome and it’s urges to “handle the situation.” Sometimes we feel as if our man just isn’t getting it; and honestly many times men just don’t get it. They get consumed with the generalities of the situation and forget that if you have committed your life to someone, your decisions affect them and your lack of action on situations that need attention also affect them; which brings me to Derwin.

I think Derwin has exhibited a bit of the naivety that I see so very often in men. Far too many men are putting their trust in women who aren’t trustworthy and when the end result is “You Are Not the Father” on a DNA test result for a ten-year old child suddenly the man realizes that someone (his wife/girlfriend) tried telling him years ago that he needed to evaluate the situation and take the proper precautions to make sure that the child’s future and his future were protected. A simple DNA test will take away any doubt or concerns that you may have. Instead he has a feeling (a loving, whimsical, naive feeling) that this child is his and he really doesn’t want to believe that the mother of the child would step out on him.  Other times men invest money and their future monies into women who they somehow fail to realize are only interested in their money and future monies. These women are enthused by this naivety. His trust of her and once again whimsical feeling that “this is it” tickles her fancy and she knows that regardless of the fact that she demonstrates classic gold digger behavior the man just doesn’t see her scheming ways. Even when his mother steps in and warns him that the woman means him no good, he stays and ends up in more debt than Toni Braxton. One day he wakes up broken, brokenhearted and broke and it is all so clear, he got played and honestly until the end was near he didn’t even know he was being swallowed up by this vicious woman’s plan.

Personally I believe that conflict, issues and a degree of drama are somewhat unavoidable in relationships. It is when these things become extreme that the solution or lack of a solution needs to be looked at. The plan of action needs to be evaluated because problems left unsolved don’t go away, they fester.  Many times in relationships the same problems are revisited over and over and over. Someone brings it to the other that it is a problem that person either neglects to deal with the problem or their solution is not acceptable or not effective in handling the problem and then the drama starts. This happens over and over because instead of turning off the flame, a lid is put on the fire. For the most part if couples took the time to listen to each other and take each other’s feelings towards situations as serious factors the major drama could be avoided. Instead of looking at it as your business and you will deal with it, look at it as your business that can truly affect your mate if you don’t deal with it or if you deal with it incorrectly.

As women we need to learn how to properly support our men without overstepping our boundaries. There are many ways to get your point across to a man who doesn’t seem to get the point that this is a major situation that needs to be dealt with. Before we act we need to realize that just as the problem is major, our decision to act on a problem that our mate isn’t handling can potentially cause an even bigger problem. Communication is always the key and men I would like to say this to you; Before you think that your girlfriend/wife is just being over jealous and out-of-order, take into account that she is a woman and many times women can feel vibes from other women that men seem to miss. Many times women can see the game plan before the board is even laid out on the table. Listen to your woman, even if you don’t plan to take her advice, at least take her opinions into consideration. Forget that she has an issue with the “problem” but look at the way the problem could possibly affect everyone involved.

And that people was my Dr. Phil moment 🙂 I won’t charge you for this one because personally I have trouble taking my own advice, so before I begin accepting fees I need to familiarize myself with the lessons to be learned. 

Other Black Girl Thinking Posts on Relationships/Love/Love Mishaps

Hide In the Closet Pleeeaaase Part I , Part II, Part III

Get Yo Husband!

My Boyfriend Can Cheat, My Husband Can’t

Open Marriages Part I-Are You Just Afraid They Will Cheat Anyway?

Open Marriages Part II-Why Get Married?

Let’s Talk Love Un/Conditional

3 thoughts on “Naive Men, the Melanie Syndrome & Other Relationship Woes”

  1. I can attest to the naive and doing things hoping that the relationship takes off. Sometimes you feel it but just don’t want to believe that you are getting played. For some reason when I was younger I was always on the look out for that but at some point; and I guess it was because I was ready to settle down I found myself looking over things in hopes of what could be. And when reality hit it really hurt. The only person I could truly be mad at though was myself.


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